Day with Bernard
by cgaussie01
Summary: Somewhat of a small sequel to my previous fan fiction Dinner with Bernard, Bernard's got his old job back, doesn't he? That means things are finally going to end up


The morning light fought its way through the curtains of Bernard's apartment windows and it reminded him just how damn thin the things were. Grumbling he turned away from the harsh light and shut his eyes tightly, not even bothering to look at the clock on his bedside table. All he knew that it was early, and nobody like him got up unless they had a very good reason to get up. He was just about to fall back into a restful sleep when a small fact started to grow larger at the back of his head.

It was saying something about a job. A job? He didn't like his job. Why would he get up? Wait, no. The library job was done with, he had quit last week. The man had walked up to his supervisor, told him he had just put a whole bunch of karma sutra books in the kids section, science fiction in science fact, and religion in history, then told him to go suck it and walked out. Naturally his phone had ringed all afternoon, his supervisor, but he hadn't even bothered to pick it up.

Why was that? What led him to leave in such a drastic fashion?

A memory suddenly bobbed to the surface of his conscious, and he saw Megamind standing on his door step. Something about a job. He was given his old one back, at the museum. They had known him from his previous job at the Metro Man Museum and after some convincing (or intimidating) from Megamind he had been given it back.

"Oh crap." he muttered as he slowly sat up in his bed, and scratched as his bare chest as he looked at the clock. Seven thirty. Bernard's eyes widened in horror. He had to be at the museum by eight thirty, and the public transport system around here was so backwater he wondered why the buses weren't being pulled by mules. Like a bat out of Hell Bernard leapt from his bed and raced into the bathroom where he promptly showered and shaved as fast as lightning before finding a clean suit to put on.

His brown tan suit smelt, so he left that behind and instead pulled on his black suit and pale blue turtle neck under that. By the time he was running his comb through his crazy hair (and yanking out all the knots he had) it was a quarter to eight. Finding his shoes he tugged them on, tied them, and raced out the door of his apartment as fast as he could. He prayed a bus would be at his stop, oh he prayed, since he was running and he hadn't done any running since high school. As his lungs wheezed, he realized just why he hated running in the first place and why he had avoided it like a diseased dog with rabies carrying the plague.

Just as he rounded the corner he saw the ugly silver bus sitting there, and a few people just stepping on. In a rare sign of emotion he lifted his hands and waved. "WAIT!" he screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE WAIT!"

A woman just about to climb onto the bus saw him, and hovered in the door. This was a rare sign of... well, nice humanity since she held the bus there until he arrived. He wheezed a thank you and she shrugged before moving to a seat after paying. Fumbling for his wallet he found some small change and paid for his bus trip but not before almost falling over when the driver started up with little to no warning, sending Bernard tripping into the lap of an older woman.

Her response was hitting him with her purse, in the head, a few times, shouting about him being a pervert or something. After that lovely scene had played out he found a seat at the back and sat there, hands in his lap and when it came his time to get off the bus in the city square he did his upmost best to not even breath near the old woman less she lash out with her bag all over again.

Bernard paused as he saw the museum, which always seemed so gaudy to him back when it was Metro Man. His big chin and smug expression, he had hated walking around his big fat head even if it had only happened a few times. Now, though, the head of the person was much larger. After all, it was a statue of Megamind, right? He looked over the statue, wondering just how it was strong enough to support such a giant head, and on top of that the shape of Minion suspended in the gold ball. The whole thing must be made of something pretty strong to not crumble under the weight or size of Megamind's head.

Course that ultimately led to him wondering how the real living alien's body supported his head, but he shook the thought from his mind. It was 8:25am, he had 5 minutes to reach the museum and head to the administration office. So he hurried his pace, and soon found himself within the familiar lay out of the museum. Of course there were differences... instead of Greek Heroes standing besides a statue of Metro man there was Megamind with statues of famous, incredibly smart people. Naturally there was Einstein, Tesla, Edison and Stephen Hawking. That, he thought, was pretty good... rather than drawing on the appeal of muscles it showed you could achieve much with a good head on your shoulders.

"Bernard!" his name being called out has him turn, and found himself face to face with David, his old supervisor. Grey, and balding as ever with a beer gut that would make you wonder if he was nine months pregnant with a beer keg. "How have you been, what've you been up to?" he asked, shaking Bernard's hand.

"Cubed and kept in the pyjamas of an alien evil overlord." Bernard replied dryly, which had David pause in mid handshake and look bewildered. "It's good to be back amongst the land of the living and not the land of the lint." he added, attempting to make light of the statement.

"Right. Well! I'm sure you remember what the place is like, only now instead of focusing on Metro Man our main subject is Megamind. I'm sure you know where to pick up your guide things?" he asked, smiling.

"Guide?" Bernard asked slowly. "I'm on tour guide duty?"

"At first, it was the only position we had available but you know everything there is to know about Megamind as well as Metro Man and that strange fish gorilla type robot suit thing. You're well suited to answer the questions of the guests!" David insisted as he and Bernard began to walk through to administration, where Bernard would have to wear a name badge no doubt and god if he had to wear an ugly hat again he'd strangle Megamind next time he saw him.

"Well. Nobody else had such a lacking life that they memorized everything about them." Bernard sighed, "Curse my intellect and curiosity."

"Great!" David grinned. "Now your shift starts at nine o'clock, here's your schedule of what groups you'll be taking through which wing, and over lay of what each section is dedicated to, and your cheat sheets if they ask a question you don't know the answer to." he handed Bernard a fair few pieces of paper, "Aaannnnd a-hah here it is I knew it was somewhere." he held up a blue name badge which had his name and the M insignia on the background of it.

"Yeah thanks." Bernard mumbled and waited until David had moved on to do other managerial type things before pinning his badge to his chest. "At least there's no hats." he said to himself, "Stupid things give me hat hair." he added before picking up the map and looked it over. Different floors were dedicated to separate times of Megamind's life. His arrival and early life was detailed on the bottom floor, and gradually aged as the building got taller. Naturally some floors weren't just about him or his inventions. The 16th floor was about Minion and what made the fish tick, as well as that large robot suit of his detailing what it was made of and how long it had taken. They even had the old prototypes from Megamind's lair, all of them gradually getting larger as the fish aged.

Then there was one floor about Metro Man, of course. You couldn't wipe the man's face off the city entirely, especially since he was on the crest of the city. Talk about hero worship.

He was just clipping his important notes to his clipboard to head down and meet up with his first tour group of the day when the phone in his back pocket began to jingle. "Damn it." he mumbled as he tugged it out and flipped it open. "Bernard speaking." he answered.

"Bernard!" the voice was unmistakable. Megamind. "Oh man am I glad I caught you!"

"Why?" Bernard asked, feeling a little awkward that the alien was calling him. "And how do you know my number?"

"Duh, I was using your phone for three months you don't think I picked up on those things?" scoffed the genius, "Anyway I was just ringing to see if you'd gotten to your new old job on time!"

How oddly nice. Bernard looked out the nearest window at the white steps outside. "Yeah. I made it. Got assaulted by an old woman with a bag though." he said, before asking himself why he would give such information away.

"Hah! What?" Megamind laughed, "Why? What'd you do, ask her out?"

"No, please. You'll make me throw up. And I don't think my first tour group would appreciate me bringing up my dinner from last night to meet their shoes." Bernard muttered, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Oh man gross, that's disgusting. Anyway! Glad to know you made it, hope you have a great day see ya!" and he was gone.

Bernard lowered the phone in his hand and stared at it, as if it was the strangest creation he had ever come across. Nobody had ever phoned him to simply wish him a good day before... not even when he had been with his partner. Who was, naturally, now his ex. It felt strange, that Megamind, _Megamind_ would take time out of his schedule to do just that for him. Feeling a little bit unsure of himself he slipped the phone back into his back pocket. He hadn't even really spoken to the alien since their 'date' a month ago. Looking back on it now he knew he had probably pushed the envelope just a little by kissing him but...

...what a kiss. He would never admit it to anyone but he had wanted to do something like that for years. Having studied and learned all he could about the two duelling aliens instead of focusing all of his time and energy on the larger than life Metro Man, he had seen something far more interesting in the skinny alien with blue skin. How confident he was despite losing absolutely every time, how magnificent he looked when he would waltz onto television screens decked out in his black spandex and baby seal leather boots... all those spikes, the straps, the tightness of it all spoke to a silent, but strong kink deep within the man. Sure Megamind wasn't nearly as smart as he claimed he was, sometimes he acted just plain goofy, but he always put his all into it.

And to have felt those blue lips beneath his own, just for a few short seconds, had given him enough 'private time' fuel to last for a month.

His watch suddenly beeped, and he realized he had to get down to the ground level now. Flushing brilliantly Bernard gathered his clipboard and raced for the elevator. "Focus, stupid." he muttered to himself as he stepped into the elevator and pressed the G button. It was foolish of him, but he hoped his first day on the job wouldn't be too horrible.

~*~

"...so, thanks to the quick thinking that has gotten Megamind in, as well as out, of various scrapes that saved our city from the vengeance of Tighten. Or Titan. Depending on your choice because really, who cares how the idiot spelt his name, am I right?" Bernard glanced at a nearby clock and saw it was now three o'clock. Quitting time was around the corner, and thank God. He had given four tours so far today through various floors of the museum, and it hadn't been _too_ bad.

So far.

"So that's it." he announced, "Tour's over. Obviously this is the time those of you who have been holding onto questions like burning gets to ask them before you burst into flames and I need to call the fire department. So for the sake of all that is decent and humanity... any questions?" Bernard asked, and over half of those in the group stuck their hands up into the air. He instantly regretted asking the question, but took a slow breath before pointing to a young woman in the crowd. "Go."

"What would happen if Metro Man farted?" she asked, which caused a few of the younger visitors gathered to giggle and hide their faces behind their hands.

Bernard heaved a sigh, and folded his arms. "Well, he'd expulse a mixture of gases which are by-products of his digestion process and it'd be composed mainly of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, methane and hydrogen. Seeing how those two lesser components are flammable I can well imagine that if there was a naked flame nearby he would no doubt set off an explosive reaction in the atmosphere and level a few buildings."

This got an eruption of very mature laughter from those around him who had a strange sense of humour, and Bernard began to wonder just why he bothered asking Megamind for his job back. He was meant to be a curator, not a tour guide. But, everyone has to start at the bottom, right? Even somebody like himself. Sighing, he looked over them. "Next question?"

"Where did Megamind get the brains for his Brain Bots? Children? Animals? Were they dead first?" asked a young boy with dark curly hair.

Finally, a decent question. "There aren't any actual brains in the Brain Bots. They're composed entirely of artificial intelligence and operate much like any robot toy that's out on the market. Only these ones are built with bear traps for mouths. So he made them himself. Sorry to disappoint you all but he didn't go harvesting dead people's brains in order to give intelligence to his robots." Bernard actually saw the disappointment on some of their faces since no doubt the idea of an evil Megamind going through graveyards with his faithful Minion, digging up recently buried bodies.

"Is Megamind just the scout of an approaching alien conquest?" asked a young man around Bernard's age, wearing sunglasses. Bernard looked at him and quickly scoped him out, nice clean jeans, black shoes, but the t-shirt was hardly polite. 'The Man', with an arrow pointing up, and 'The Legend' accompanied with an arrow pointing downwards.

"No." Bernard flatly said. "If you were paying attention at the start of the tour you would have heard that Megamind's species was destroyed, sucked into a black hole from whence there is no escape. Some theorize that within a black hole it would take roughly thirty years for every cell within your body to be destroyed, and you would survive during that bleak hole of death, and experience pain every single time a cell was destroyed. So. No. Megamind is not a scout. He is a survivor." he could see some of the younger ones of the group begin to tear up at the idea of death, and molecules erupting and black holes. Another day, another notch to the character meter.

"Does that make Megamind an endangered species?" asked a young woman, whose eyes had widened at the prospect.

"Let me think. He's the last. So yes. He's endangered." Bernard replied, already growing tired of these stupid questions.

"He should be listed, or at least donate to the Wild Life Fund..." continued the woman, who was tapping her chin in a way which told Bernard she was considering putting forward the idea either to the Wild Life Fund or Megamind himself. Bernard, wishing not to pry or poke his nose into the personal business of hippies, moved onto the next question, selecting a younger boy this time.

"Go."

"Did Megamind ever use a real gorilla for Minion's body?" he asked.

"Ah." Bernard put his hands together. "Rumour states that the very first Minion prototype body was an actual living gorilla stolen from the local zoo. Megamind had designed a 'helmet' that would be slipped over the gorilla's head and thanks to a whole lot of wires and electronics made it possible for Minion to control the gorilla body with his own thoughts." he explained before making a face. "Course, real gorilla's need food, don't move nearly as quick, and tend to have to use the toilets a lot. So the idea was scrapped and in its place was the robot gorilla body we all know. Now. Next question..." he looked over the group and pointed to a man in a trench coat. "Yes you."

"What's it like to be dehydrated?" the man asked.

Bernard went silent as the grave. Now, there were only a few people who knew in this city that he had been dehydrated and left to suffer within Megamind's jammies. Those people were his fellow group members of a community he managed online. Naturally it was dedicated to all things Megamind and in the past few months the membership had skyrocketed. What had been just an on the side hobby had become a full time hobby; whenever Bernard logged online to check the community's activity there were thirty plus posts a day. It was quite ridiculous, and he had to do his part by making sure people used the proper codes, tags, obeyed the rules, and didn't start flame wars.

So far, so good. Just how the place didn't fold in on itself during his three month absence still amazed him.

But only those on that forum who had access to the locked section knew that Bernard had vanished because of Megamind stealing his identity and the fact that he had been dehydrated was a well-protected secret. If news got out, he'd be bothered with that question absolutely every single day.

Raising an eyebrow slowly at the man, who simply stared at him behind his sunglasses and trench coat, Bernard pursed his lips together. "From what I hear it's a living nightmare. You can't move. You can't breathe. It's like having your arms and legs bound by invisible forces. You can't see anything, you can't hear anything. You don't grow hungry, nor thirsty. You are just suspended. Frozen. Barely aware of what is going on around you, that you are being thrown, moved, or touched. You really are like a deaf, dumb, blind person and there is nothing you can do until you get wet and you rehydrate."

"So sort of like I have no mouth but I must scream?" asked the man.

"Yes." Bernard said flatly before sighing, and looked to a younger woman with long brown hair that was so long it probably went past her waist. "Last question goes to you." he 'announced'.

"Is Megamind a good kisser?" she asked.

"Uh." Bernard said smartly, before blinking and adjusting his glasses awkwardly. "Say what?"

"Is said, is Megamind a good singer?" she repeated, he guessed.

"Oh. Right, uh. I thought you said..." he trailed off into an awkward, uncomfortable silence before pushing his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose since they had begun to slip. "Nevermind."

Had she really just said what he thought she said, or was his first day back on the job being more strenuous on his mind then he originally thought? That was a little unnerving, so he pushed himself past his last question for the tour and shoved his hands defensively into his pockets. "Unfortunately, so far, Megamind hasn't... really performed orally-vocally, for anyone. So your guess is as good as mine." oh god where was his train of thought taking him? He had to plant a bomb on the train and derail it before it would gain too much speed and become impossible to gain control of again.

"Tours over. Go home." Bernard said shortly, rushed away, feet moving as quickly as he could and grumbling about stupid questions from stupid people who didn't know anything about anything. That woman and that bizarre question at the end, had it been real? And what about that guy before? Had he been from his community? Sneaking in to ask him questions like that? Hadn't he explained it enough on the forum? Idiots, the lot of them!

He quickly cleared up his things, punched his time card in the little machine hanging on the wall at the employers lounge, and left the building of the Megamind Museum behind. Still walking fast, he grumbled and fumed to himself over a miserable first day. Why was he on tour duty? He was an archivist, not a public speaker didn't they know that? It's what he had trained to do, what he was good at. Being out of the public's eye. Not answering insane questions about kissing and being a dehydrated cube!

Singing. NOT kissing! What was wrong with him today?

Grumbling, Bernard got onto his bus much easier than he had gotten onto it that morning and found a seat at the back of the bus. Sitting in the back seat he turned his head to watch the city run by him, and he paused to stare a bookstore while the bus was waiting at a red light. Seemed there was going to be some more Megamind books on the market soon, which would mean the Museum would be getting a truck load of them in to sell at the gift store. He wondered if he could get a discount, being an employee, but then he decided he'd just lift a copy. Who'd notice? Or care? Bernard stared at the cardboard cut-out of Megamind and he wondered just who had done it since they had left out his goatee. Who could forget something that important? Megamind had only been wearing a goatee since he was old enough to grow it.

"For cryin'..." he muttered before the bus started off again, and the cardboard cut out was forgotten. Bernard almost ended up falling asleep in his seat on the bus, and he had to give thanks to a car foolishly pulling out in front of the bus causing it to break and honk its horn since if it hadn't happened he would have missed his stop entirely. Reaching up he pressed the 'Next Stop' call button and stood up, and walked his way to the middle doors to get off of the bus. The doors opened and he got off and headed back towards his apartment, mind unfortunately drifting back to those set of questions he had received today. Were some people that stupid and didn't take time out of their day to check up on the many, many websites and communities on the Internet that dealt with Megamind and Metro Man? It wasn't as if their time was precious or anything, surely.

"Honey I'm home. Oh wait. I'm not married." Bernard announced as he opened the door to his apartment, and shrugged off his jacket and hung it on the hook on his door after shutting it. He worked off his shoes and flipped on the coffee pot first, and then the computer. Running a hand through his hair he sighed heavily, once more wondering on whether or not that woman had really asked if Megamind was a good kisser. Was he? It had been pretty damn brief, that exchange they had on his doorstep those weeks ago, but he thought it was pretty damn nice. He wouldn't mind doing it again, though that would be impossible. Common fact; Megamind was most certainly with Roxanne. But then he stopped, and narrowed an eye. "Well. Everyone thought she and Metro Man were together and they weren't... no, no. Stop it." he knocked his forehead with his fist before slumping in front of his computer.

Emails were the usual, a healthy offering of porn sites and 'enhance your size to please your lady' that ended up in the trash bin as fast as possible. "Now let's see..." he mumbled as he opened up the web browser of choice and it opened on the website he maintained. It was, unsurprisingly, dedicated to Megamind and had been in operation for up to fifteen years now. He had started it up in college just to see if there were any others out there who were as... well... obsessed with the blue alien as he had been, and turned out there was. It had been a simple forum based community at first with little under fifty members but now a days, after what had taken place between Metro Man, Megamind, and Tighten, the popularity of the site had sky-rocketed. Now there were thousands of people, and he still remained the head maintainer of it all.

Of course, he had people to help him operate it. To filter out the crap, to keep people in line, it was almost like a second job. If only it paid him.

"What the Hell." he said aloud when he saw a brand new topic of conversation that was over five hundred replies, and opened it up. What met him was, basically, posts comprised entirely of 'bowg' by community members. There were full paragraphs full of the singular words, sometimes accompanied by pictures of Brain Bots, and little to else was being said or done. Bernard sat there, staring at the insanity, and wondered just what in the name of Hell had happened, and what had brought on this madness. He was highly tempted to freeze the entire post, but it wasn't hurting anyone was it? He would just have to ignore it and not draw attention to it.

Megamind was on his mind again seconds later, and Bernard groaned as he leaned back in his office chair, and stared up at the ceiling. Was getting his old job back so much of a good idea? Being an archivist usually kept him out of the public's eye but because of a lack of positions like that being available he had been forced back into the public's eye, a horrid tour guide. Just like his first job. Why, oh why, had he told Megamind he wanted his job back? Of course Megamind had gone out of his way to get him what he wanted, that's what he was like, but was he just doing it because he wanted to be fair and even with Bernard as a means of apologizing for stealing his identity for so long? For screwing up his life?

Coffee forgotten Bernard sat up straight in his chair and scrolled to the adult section of the community. It was password protected and was only given to members who could validate their age, since the last thing he wanted was young fans of Megamind getting in and reading, or seeing, what there was on offer here. Why was he signing into the adult section? Well he was the head honcho, he had to make sure that things were going as they were supposed to and nothing too 'irregular' was being posted. It had _nothing_ to do with the blue man who was running around his head and wouldn't leave him alone, or the desire to check in on some artists and writers who sparked his interest in very... nice ways.

"God I'm pathetic." he mumbled to himself as he opened it up into a new window on the computer and plum forgot about his coffee.

**The End**


End file.
